R
I am freezing.
It is 64 degrees with humidity at 88% and its downright cold...
I just got back from taking the dog for a walk. (albeit a very short one!) I wore an old pair of jeans, and my biggest, baggiest K-State sweatshirt, which is my favorite shirt (this thing is HUGE!! LOL) but of course, I was only wearing flip-flops... Guess I should have put on some "real" shoes...LOL
Anyway... I don't even want to think about the fact that summer is 2/3 over already... *sigh*
Fresh cup of coffee, and my pink fuzzy slippers (they have yellow duckies on them...LOL) and I am starting to feel much better...
I have been reading my "dailies", no, not the newspaper, my daily Blogs...(listed at right) and I realize that I don't know if I could ever write about our intimate details and not make them sound ridiculous, or pornographic... Or just embarrassing myself...LOL I have never been good about being able to say things out loud... (frustrated Hawke to no end...) I get embarrassed sooo easily... I can watch someone do something stupid on television and it embarrasses me!
R has been away for a couple of days due to work, and I am realizing how much I would miss him if we did get divorced. But, when he is here, there are things he does or says that just makes me cringe... I find myself making excuses for him to my family... (my mother, by the way, has been wanting me to leave him since I married him in 1985!) Does everything boil down to how things go in the bedroom? Is fantastic sex enough to keep us together? I do love him... Is that enough? Respect... That I'm not sure is up to par on either side in this relationship... I think it may be the deciding factor...
R is my best friend... The sex is great... Maybe I should just be satisfied with that, right? I just don't want to be stuck in Hick County forever, and he is the kind of guy that has zero ambition... Oh, he has lots of "One of these days...", and "I wish..." But not good at all at actually making a goal and working toward it... He has never been taught how to do that, he came from a very sad, abusive childhood, and a pretty rough life after that... He got his GED at 15 and went right to work in the oilfield, where he still works today, (after a short bout as a garbage collector). He has come a long way from the rest of his family... I am very proud of him for that... He needs self-confidence... He needs financial planning help... He spends too much on stupid stuff and doesn't have enough to pay the bills...He needs someone to show him how to set and achieve goals...And I am just no good at it, I guess. I try to help him, but he gets defensive, and walks off... That's his coping mechanism for any arguments we get into... Walking off... He says it's because his father was abusive, and he doesn't want to get to the point that his temper takes over... I guess I can see his point, but as a person who loves a good debate, it is very annoying when he just walks out...
My God, I have been rambling. I congratulate any of you that have made it this far without falling asleep or just closing the window...LOL
I'm really sorry... I just get so "swirled up" in all these thoughts, I need some form of release...
with the few people around here that I call friends, conversations are like wading around in the shallow end of the pool... I need diving depth once in awhile!!
It is 64 degrees with humidity at 88% and its downright cold...
I just got back from taking the dog for a walk. (albeit a very short one!) I wore an old pair of jeans, and my biggest, baggiest K-State sweatshirt, which is my favorite shirt (this thing is HUGE!! LOL) but of course, I was only wearing flip-flops... Guess I should have put on some "real" shoes...LOL
Anyway... I don't even want to think about the fact that summer is 2/3 over already... *sigh*
Fresh cup of coffee, and my pink fuzzy slippers (they have yellow duckies on them...LOL) and I am starting to feel much better...
I have been reading my "dailies", no, not the newspaper, my daily Blogs...(listed at right) and I realize that I don't know if I could ever write about our intimate details and not make them sound ridiculous, or pornographic... Or just embarrassing myself...LOL I have never been good about being able to say things out loud... (frustrated Hawke to no end...) I get embarrassed sooo easily... I can watch someone do something stupid on television and it embarrasses me!
R has been away for a couple of days due to work, and I am realizing how much I would miss him if we did get divorced. But, when he is here, there are things he does or says that just makes me cringe... I find myself making excuses for him to my family... (my mother, by the way, has been wanting me to leave him since I married him in 1985!) Does everything boil down to how things go in the bedroom? Is fantastic sex enough to keep us together? I do love him... Is that enough? Respect... That I'm not sure is up to par on either side in this relationship... I think it may be the deciding factor...
R is my best friend... The sex is great... Maybe I should just be satisfied with that, right? I just don't want to be stuck in Hick County forever, and he is the kind of guy that has zero ambition... Oh, he has lots of "One of these days...", and "I wish..." But not good at all at actually making a goal and working toward it... He has never been taught how to do that, he came from a very sad, abusive childhood, and a pretty rough life after that... He got his GED at 15 and went right to work in the oilfield, where he still works today, (after a short bout as a garbage collector). He has come a long way from the rest of his family... I am very proud of him for that... He needs self-confidence... He needs financial planning help... He spends too much on stupid stuff and doesn't have enough to pay the bills...He needs someone to show him how to set and achieve goals...And I am just no good at it, I guess. I try to help him, but he gets defensive, and walks off... That's his coping mechanism for any arguments we get into... Walking off... He says it's because his father was abusive, and he doesn't want to get to the point that his temper takes over... I guess I can see his point, but as a person who loves a good debate, it is very annoying when he just walks out...
My God, I have been rambling. I congratulate any of you that have made it this far without falling asleep or just closing the window...LOL
I'm really sorry... I just get so "swirled up" in all these thoughts, I need some form of release...
with the few people around here that I call friends, conversations are like wading around in the shallow end of the pool... I need diving depth once in awhile!!
1 Comments:
Thank you... and no, I appreciate the advice!
I do care a lot about him... and yes, he can hold down a job, he gets a new one every year or so...lol... although he has gone up to a year without one, letting me pay the bills...
And no, he had no role models for good behavior at all... I think he is doing remarkably well for the upbringing he did have...I just always am the one that has to be in control or things don't get done... I guess I just have to accept that and go on...
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